On a Friday afternoon, a man is sitting in an aisle seat on an airplane, reading The Washington Post. The flight attendants are giving the passengers the run-down on what to do if the aircraft somehow falls into the ocean (I’ve watched flight attendants do this more times than I can count, and I can still guarantee you that in the event of a crash landing, I will forget everything they said and just scream and repent).
The man turns the page. As he reads about the new findings from the scientific community, he thinks to himself, “This is nothing but a bunch of liberal bulls***. “ He folds the paper and stashes it in the seat in front of him. The seatbelt light is now on.
Fifteen minutes pass. They’re in the air. The man shifted his reading interests to the mystery novel on his Kindle.
“Would you like anything to drink, sir?”
“Water’s fine, thank you.”
Twenty minutes pass. The man has zoomed through nine pages of his book. It’s gripping. But after a long morning of “I love you–I’ll see you soon”s, spending $25 to check a bag, getting publicly embarrassed by airport security after he forgot to take his laptop out of his carry-on, and giving up his seat “so I can sit with my husband? Thanks,” he’s beginning to nod off.
It’s smooth sailing. Low turbulence. Comfortable temperature. No disturba–
“Nope,” the man says in his subconscious.
In all honesty, the person responsible for that baby is likely way more miserable than anyone else on the plane.
But still. Why the f*** do they ALWAYS CRY?
We’re all wondering it. So I’ve done some pretty extensive research on this phenomena.
I ventured to children’s hospitals.
I spoke to local moms and dads.
I spoke to local babies.
I earned an impromptu bachelor’s degree in early childhood education.
I was told “Their ears are popping,” and “Babies cry–it’s what they do,” and “I’m sorry, who are you?” and I simply don’t buy any of it.
I just needed to find something that would get me closer to pinpointing the real reason babies have to let out their wails on airplanes. Do they know how frustrating it is? Do they even care? It’s as if they have no regard for anyone else’s comfort but their own. We tell them we’re just trying to read or sleep, and they’re like
For those of you who share my devout curiosity, I hope my findings are satisfactory.
Possible Reason #1:
They know they’re on a plane, and they’re deathly afraid of heights.
As a child, you really will have one of two reactions to being unimaginably high in the air. The first option is pure excitement, and the second option is utter terror. That baby genuinely believes he will either never come down, or that he will come down violently.
Imagine you’re a kid again, and your dad is doing that thing where he tosses you up few inches above his head and catches you. Imagine he does that, and instead of falling back into his hands, you just stay up there. And homosexuals in funny uniforms come around asking dad if wants Coke or Sprite.
Possible Reason #2:
There are guys going around calling themselves “meninists.”
Sometimes a baby will be out with his buddies, and one of them will say something along the lines of
The male babies are losing faith in their own gender’s ability to understand and fight against the physical objectification and sociopolitical marginalization of women, so they begin to cry.
The female babies have every right to cry because men are the f***ing worst.
Possible Reason #3:
College tuition is going to wring her parents dry.
Babies want their parents to love them and be proud of them just as everyone else does. And they know that their parents want the best for them. But babies are also aware that not all of them will be full scholarship winners in 17 and a half years. College will take away every last dime that mom and dad saved up, and it may not even be worth it in the end when the baby is all grown up and working as a shift supervisor at Sports Authority and sitting on a plane on the way to his great grandma’s funeral with a baby crying right behind him.
Possible Reason #4:
Neither Leonardo DiCaprio nor Will Smith have Academy Awards.
Babies know all too well that the system is rigged. Even an infant, who knows virtually nothing of the world and lives in 3-second intervals, knows that Blood Diamond and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape were among the best theatrical performances to ever bless the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. That baby cried harder during The Pursuit of Happyness than she did on any airplane, ever.
That baby is upset not only because the voting is fixed against great actors, but that baby is also baffled by the fact that no one else on the plane seems to care.
Possible Reason #5:
His Tinder match un-matched him.
…Damn. Sorry, Kyle. You shouldn’t have told her you were a meninist.
Possible Reason #6:
The research showed an astounding 89.77% of crying air babies to be crying because Donald Trump is leading in the national polls.
The babies are on airplanes, and the current most popular man in the country (and his opponents) won’t shut up about terrorists. He’s going way farther than mom and dad thought he would.
What may have started as a joke is now the very real possibility of new world order, and it’s led by a large red and gold man whose rhetoric has given rise to an anxiety attack that plagues children of the sky.
The plane is landing. The baby is asleep. The man put his Kindle in his messenger bag several minutes back.
He calls his wife to let her know that he’s landed safely. She asks him if he’d like to talk to their daughter (preschooler), and of course he says yes.
“Hiya, sweetie! Daddy landed safely! Is everything okay back home?”
“Scientifically speaking, everything is not okay. Climate change is currently the biggest threat to society.”
~Thanks for reading. We’re all human.~