A Very Human Valentine’s Day

It’s finally here!

A day of friendship, companionship, relationship…so many ships.

The only day where pink and red don’t clash, but compliment.

A day that, in relationships, is celebrated like an anniversary. A day that, in elementary school, is celebrated like Halloween without costumes. A day that, in college, is celebrated with singles’ parties and regret.

A happy, heartfelt, beautiful day of the year.

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As we reflect on those who truly make us happy, let’s reflect on all the crazy s*** from the first half of the month that led up to this day.


What happened at the Super Bowl?

Glad you asked. Several things happened, and several people got uncomfortable. I feel like that’s our new thing: being uncomfortable.

If anyone remembers the piece on Carolina quarterback Cam Newton (here), they’ll remember that some people don’t take kindly to the way the young athlete carries himself.

He and his team lost Super Bowl 50 earlier this month, and a “yuge” (Thanks, Trump, for that) wave of discomfort came out of the woodwork. Not with the loss, but with how Mr. Newton handled it.

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Super Bowl viewers took to social media to express their contempt with a “classless” Newton, who both wins and loses “like a child.”

It’s only the championship of the most admired sport in the country, and the single most viewed sporting event in the world.

Nevertheless, we made sure to get uncomfortable. Love Day was right around the corner, and we had to get all the senseless hate out of our systems.

What about halftime?

Ah, yes. The spectacularly colorful show on the world’s biggest stage, put on by Coldplay, Bruno Mars, and “Queen Bey” herself.

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An icon. Dancing her heart out for football fans.

I was around negative four when Michael Jackson performed at halftime of the Super Bowl, but I watched the YouTube videos of it. And the outfit so fiercely sported by Sasha Fierce is clearly a tribute to the King of Pop. Cool, huh?

But wait. What about her dancers?

Are they…? No.

Please, no.

NOT THE–

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Yes. The Black Panther Party.

Beyoncé’s dancers performed in outfits that brought back memories of the struggle against police brutality in the black community.

In San Francisco (the same city in which the Super Bowl was happening), an alleged stabbing suspect named Mario Woods was shot dead by the police. His autopsy revealed over 20 gunshot wounds, and the entire case sparked investigations and protests and the whole shebang.

But of course, we never thought of that. We just saw the outfits. And, naturally, we got uncomfortable as f***.

“BEYONCE’S DISPLAY IS CLEARLY RACIST AGAINST WHITE PEOPLE EVEN THOUGH NOT ALL POLICE OFFICERS ARE WHITE BUT STILL THE BLACK PANTHERS WERE BASICALLY THE REVERSE KKK I DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW THAT’S TRUE IN ANY WAY BUT THE INTERNET FILLS ME IN ON MOST OF THIS SO BEYONCÉ IS THE WORST.”

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If you weren’t yet uncomfortable when Mrs. Knowles Carter and her crew came out on the field, not to worry.

Enter Coldplay.

I’ve been listening to this band for years. The evolution of their music is not something I can say I like or dislike. They went from deep, complex lyricism and high yet smooth singing voices, to bumping party beats and high yet smooth singing voices, to weird psychedelic designs and high yet smooth singing voices.

The band engulfed the stadium is colors and happiness.

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Chris Martin teamed up with Bruno and Beyoncé to put on a pretty remarkable performance, complete with a quick montage of all the performances of the past 50 years. It wasn’t the most exciting show ever, but it also wasn’t the worst.

The ending looked like this:

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“Believe in love.”

Isn’t that sweet? Especially now, on this day of love.

But…

All those colors…

All that joy…

Could it be…?

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Oh, yeah. People are definitely uncomfortable.

An event that’s supposed to be about football and, I suppose, America, has apparently been disgraced with this pathetic display of gay pride. How dare Coldplay express support of love during this time of SPORTZ?

There is an often overlooked conflict between those who want the Super Bowl to stick to tradition and be about the love of the game and the love of the country that invented it, and those who just came to see a show.

As I mentioned before, it’s the most watched event in the world. That’s why advertisers save their dankest commercials for it. It’s why we bring out the hottest celebrities at halftime. America loves football, but America also loves profits.

*Coldplay’s album, “A Head Full of Dreams,” topped the charts after that halftime show.*


What happened in politics?

I’m not so glad you asked.

Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina, and Chris Christie have all suspended their presidential campaigns. Go figure.

The Iowa caucus ended with Ted Cruz winning for the GOP and Hillary Clinton winning for the democrats. But then a wild Trump, who doesn’t necessarily like to lose, made the point that the only reason Cruz won was because he told voters that Ben Carson dropped out of the race.

Now that’s a bold claim, but..

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Just look at him, you know?

Anyway, we moved on to the New Hampshire primaries, at which Trump and Sanders came away with the W.

Sanders then proceeded to make seven buckets in a row.

[Click here for dat footage]


 

What about that Deadpool movie?

Oh. That. That film was apparently really good. But everyone’s urging us not to bring our children.

Deadpool is technically a Marvel superhero. Kids love superheroes. So when we’re told not to bring our kids, guess what happens.

We get pretty damn uncomfortable.

Well, excuse Hollywood for wanting to make just one movie for more mature superhero/comedy fans.

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If we’re supposed to be upset about something, usually we figure it out.

But lately, things that are probably not supposed to discomfort us are doing a stupendous job of it.

Hopefully all of that goes away for the sake of our Valentines.


 

Today, take your significant other to see Deadpool.

Buy Coldplay tickets for the both of you.

Get matching “Make America Great Again” hats or “Feel the Bern” t-shirts.

Order pizza and the watch All-Star game with your friends, single or not.

It’s 2016. Bask in the spirit of our modern times and of our traditional holiday. Get comfortable with it. Whatever happens before, during, or after today,

we’re all human.


 

~Happy Valentine’s Day~

 

 

 

 

 

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