Dank Headphones

There is no need to wonder what the world will be like in “the future,” because we are indisputably already there.

A Florida-based technology company, Nervana, will be releasing a set of headphones that releases dopamine into your brain, according to ScienceAlert.


Dude. Yes. Finally.

This is EXACTLY what we’ve been waiting for.


The idea just sounds like it was conceived while the inventors were already stimulated by large amounts of dopamine.

We, as consumers, have reached the highest maintenance conceivable. This is evident in the idea that having music that we chose ourselves pumped into our ears wherever we go is simply not doing it for us anymore.

What has my life come to if I have to enhance the thing that was already enhancing my surroundings?

The new headphones are designed to play music like any others, “but at the same time, an integrated device will deliver a low-power electrical signal through your ear canal to stimulate the Vagus nerve…a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain’s reward and pleasure centers.”

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What would that even feel like? It sounds like something that would either not work, or work way too well.

But wouldn’t that make sitting in class a lot less boring?

If you’re in high school, though (the only time in one’s life when they’re free enough from responsibility to enjoy a product like this), forget it. The administration will crack down on those headphones as if they were visible bra straps.


The actual research that went into this hasn’t even been released. It hasn’t even been peer reviewed. We don’t even know if the things the headphones are supposed to do will happen. Technology isn’t perfect.

And here’s what I mean by “working too well.”

Amanda Gutterman, a writer for Futurism tried out these headphones and reported back.

“I felt the electricity go into my arm, and everything was tingling there, but the best moment for me was afterwards when I finished and stood up. I felt like I reached a personal high point. I couldn’t stop smiling or laughing. I was like, ‘Oh wow’. For about 5 minutes, my happiness level was a 10 out of 10. Then it got foggier, but I was still unusually happy for about an hour.”


That sounds incredible, but also terrifying.

Nervana reports that the headphones analyze the audio signal coming from the music player, and then syncs up the electrical signals to the beats.


It’s got an “ambient mode,” on which the signals sync up with the sounds in your environment. For example, if for some reason the concert you’re at isn’t quite fun enough, you can put on your headphones and just get high.


I immediately questioned whether we would have to charge the battery of something like this or what have you.

Mic news reports that if one uses the headphones on the go, they would also have to carry around a generator. The headphones, the generator, and whatever music playing device you use all have to work at once. ScienceAlert says, “It’d basically be like carrying one iPhone for your music, and another one for your electrical signals.”

What happened to just smoking a joint while you listen to your music?

Oh, right, that’s still illegal for no good reason.

Forget the incarceration costs, and forget the tragic and inhumane fate of disadvantaged yet harmless youths. The real reason to decriminalize marijuana is this: If we don’t, we’ll be forced to hold annoying generators.



This should go without saying, but since people are stupid, here’s the official warning. Don’t listen and drive.

Nervana co-founder and CEO Ami Brannon claims that the company will not recommend driving while using the product. While she’s confident that there is pretty much no real impairment, she advises that users wait 30 minutes at least before driving.

*You heard her. 30 minutes. Don’t want to get a cramp.*

Welcome to the future.


We’ll see how this turns out.

Maybe a product like this isn’t something anyone really needs, but hey,

we’re all human.





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