After over a year of what seemed to be a political bloodbath that didn’t do much more than gray President Obama’s hair and allow the KKK to speak up again, we are less than a day away from electing a new Commander-in-Chief.
It is mostly you all, my internet friends, who have consistently questioned why and how we have “narrowed it down to these two,” referencing GOP nominee Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
The “oh, woe is me” attitude that is rooted in the idea that we, the people, have really bad luck—I feel it. I do. It’s too bad that it’s entirely our fault. And just imagine how certain others may feel about it.
But I am not writing to complain about Hillary Clinton or about “The Donald.”
I am actually writing to endorse them. Both of them.
It’s my site; I can do what I want.
There is one thing that Americans spray their shorts over when they think about it: freedom.
We love our freedom. Humans are not supposed to be oppressed by other humans or by their governments. We are supposed to live free. We are inclined to make our own choices, and we have come so far on that principle.
And because we have freely chosen to elect either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, I am endorsing them both as a sort of indirect endorsement of freedom of choice.
The American people have a history of using their freedom to produce certain rhetoric, promote certain ideals and, ultimately, vote for candidates who represent those things. Who are we, then, to complain about the results of such a beautiful thing?
Therefore… I endorse Hillary Rodham Clinton for President of the United States, as she has exemplified many freedoms which we, as Americans, evidently hold dear:
- The freedom to go about foreign policy all wrong because screw it, no one understands foreign policy anyway.
- The freedom to use private email servers.
- The freedom to deplore certain people.
- The freedom to have been on the wrong side of history for a while and eventually apologize and move forward.
- The freedom to pander to black people, hispanic people, and especially young people.
- The freedom to basically just say whatever you need to say and then hope for the best. (That’s a big one.)
And…Therefore…I endorse Donald J. Trump for President of the United States, as he has exemplified many freedoms which we, as Americans, evidently hold dear:
- The freedom to call Mexicans rapists.
- The freedom to incite violence against those who disagree with me.
- The freedom to ignore the freedom of the press.
- The freedom to ignore the freedom of religion.
- The freedom to mock the disabled.
- The freedom to not pay taxes.
- The freedom to rip off an insane amount of people.
- The freedom to “grab her by the p—y” even though your hands are probably too small.
- The freedom to think Belgium is a city.
- The freedom to call other people liars while denying having said things that you definitely said.
- The freedom to ignore all evidence of climate change.
- The freedom to say “my African American.”
- The freedom to not read the Constitution but still be handed the job of upholding it.
- The freedom to put out false statistics about minorities and call women fat pigs.
- The freedom to claim that the president INVENTED the Islamic State.
- The freedom to ignore the president’s birth certificate that says he was born in Hawaii.
- The freedom to bash war heroes.
- The freedom to brag about the aforementioned tiny-handed p—y-grabbing.
- The freedom to buy huge paintings of yourself with moneys from a fraudulent foundation.
- The freedom to have trials coming up but still be able to keep focus on your political opponent’s investigations.
- The freedom to absolutely destroy what it means to be a conservative through fascist, racist, sexist rhetoric from the mouth of a giant baby who knows, like, four words.
- The freedom to cleanse ourselves of our bad hombres.
If you’re the type who looks at this particular election cycle as historic, you’re absolutely right.
If you’re the type who looks at it as crazy, you could not be more wrong. There is nothing crazy about my freedom.
We’re all human.